WTF Superman

Superman comics have been in print since 1938 and, with expectations of monthly stories, some are going to be thought of last minute. This being the case, not every Superman story is going to be a classic. Not every villain is going to maintain popularity and the ideas that the writers come up with are sometimes just bizarre. So bizarre that they even make Bizarro scratch his head. If I couldn’t convince you to read some Superman comics from the best list, maybe I can convince you to do so with the weirdest. Heads up though, the weird sometimes cross over with the worst.

Superman’s inner conflict

Superman has sometimes been his own greatest enemy. In the Silver Age, Superman once gained the superpower to blast a miniature version of himself out of his hand to do the Superman thing of saving everyone. This new useful super power was short-lived because Superman got jealous of all the attention that mini-Superman got. You’d think this would be the only time that Superman would be in literal conflict with himself but you’d be wrong.

During Marv Wolfman’s tenure on Adventures of Superman, a new character was introduced the Gangbuster. Wolfman created Gangbuster as a criticism of the new anti-heroes (Frank Miller’s Daredevil in particular). However, his abrupt departure lift this character and plot-thread dangling. Realising that these 2 characters had never met, an idea was formed by the new creative team that they must be the same person. Whenever Superman went to sleep, he would become the Gangbuster. The reason given for this was that Superman wasn’t happy with the results he was getting. He wanted to punish criminals more. The revelation that he was in fact the unhinged vigilante caused Superman to go into exile for a day.

This concept couldn’t be left alone forever. DC’s creative teams were in conflict over how to present Superman, with Dan Jurgen’s wanting him to just punch things and Karl Kessel wanting a more intelligent and thoughtful Man of Steel. Inspired by an imaginary tale from the 60’s, Superman splits into 2 Supermen and fixes all the world’s problems (one marrying Lois Lane and the other Lana Lang). DC figured this would be a way to please everyone. It did not. Despite this storyline being universally hated on release and still being reviled today, DC are releasing Red and Blue Superman graphic novel collections and toys of both Fire Superman and Electric Superman. 

The Justice League would be nothing without him

I’m not making the old joke that he doesn’t need the rest of Justice League because he’s so powerful. Nope. Back in Smallville, he single-handedly made the members of the Justice League who they are. In Adventure Comics 258, Superboy teaches Oliver Queen archery and gives him a robin hood costume. In New Adventures of Superboy 13, he meets a young Hal Jordan and convinces him to give up his delinquency. Some of Superboy’s early meetings with Justice leaguers were less formative, like Aquaman, but then there’s Batman. Bruce Wayne once met Clark Kent before the murder of his parents and the story ends with Superboy showing him his time sphere and all the future adventures they’ll have as Superman and Batman. Makes you wonder if he now antagonised Joe Chill.

Thankfully, for all our sanity, these stories are considered non-canon.

The Squiffles

The Squiffles are extra dimensional beings that only Adolf Hitler and Superman can see. Originally appearing in Superman 22 during the war, they’re almost a prototype for 5th Dimension imps. The Squiffles have been at war with the Gremlins for generations. The Squiffles join forces with the Axis, whilst the Gremlins joined with the Allies, and its all very strange.

Time Travel

Time Travel is a big part of Superhero comics. The ending of the original Superman movie has our hero fly around the earth in reverse rotation to save Lois Lane. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. Brainiac 5 created a time bubble so that Superboy could join his superteam in the 31st Century. But Brainiac 5’s messing with time travel has nothing on the rest of the cast Superman comics. Superboy once travelled back in time to try and prevent the assignation of Abraham Lincoln, only to find Lex Luthor in that same part of time. Luthor then hypnotises the young Superman, which prevents him from saving the 16th President of the United states.

Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane 59, has the plucky young reporter travelling back and romancing Jor-El. Yes, and she’s aware of whats she’s doing. When leaving this doomed time, she travels to see a young Kal-El playing in his garden and kisses him because the grown up Superman wouldn’t let her do this. I think Lois might need therapy.

A young Jor-El also travels to earth to meet Superboy in Superboy 121. The story even includes exposing Jor-El to Red Kryptonite so that he’ll age up so Superboy can spend some real quality time with his father.

Superman has had to use time travel to defeat his arch enemy Titano. Superman is so strong he can literally punch you into next week and that’s holding back. Titano got thrown back to prehistoric times where he lived peacefully. That is until Superman was having a clear out of the Fortress of Solitude and he found a massive TV-like device. Not knowing what this device was, he turned it on and left it on because it had Dinosaurs on it. He then realised that this was a time travel device when he saw Titano. The giant ape then went to rampage through Metropolis and Superman has great difficulty defeating the giant ape that shoots kryptonite rays from his eyes because, in his own words, “He can’t use his robot duplicate because his apartment is being painted”. 

Kristin Wells might be the most responsible time-traveller other than Brainiac 5. Kristin Wells is a future historian for Superheroes who travels back in time to find out the secret identity of the Superwoman. Realising that all of her powers could be copied by 31st Century technology and that Superwoman hasn’t shown up, it must be her. She also turns down the advances of Jimmy Olsen, who is her Great-Great-Great Grandfather (Jimmy doesn’t know this, he’s just seen a hot redhead).

“Seminal” writers creating trash

Did you know Chris Claremont wrote a Superman comic? The writer best known for reinventing the X-men wrote a Superman comic. Before this story, Claremont had, throughout his career, seemed determined to write the Man of Steel, creating homages like Gladis the Gladiator in X-men and Majestic in Jim Lee’s Wildcats. You’d think the guy who wrote strong female characters in X-men and made Superman homages would’ve done a good job with Superman and Wonder Woman For Who God’s Destroy. Superman in a world where the Nazi’s won WW2 sounds like a good read but it’s bad.

This is actually like the recent DC films in comic form. Superman is a jerk who actually tells Lois Lane that “He wishes her and Lana were dead” because then he can sunbathe on the moon. Also, Diana Prince is the Queen of Nazi’s and Superman becomes a Centaur and tries to eat Lana Lang. Words can’t convey how badly it does Superman but it’s not the worst.

The worst Superman stories belong to Frank Miller and his tribute band Brian Azzarello. I’ve already written about Superman Year One. I don’t think I need to write about the duo’s Batman: The Master Race and it’s plot about Superman and Wonder Woman creating a false messiah. 

Azzarello, for some reason, has been allowed to write about Superman multiple times. The best evidence that he doesn’t know about Superman comics would be Luthor. A story from the villains perspective with Winslow Scott, a villain known for his hatred of technology, being an elite hacker.

Joe Kelly was forced to write a storyline that introduced a new General Zod because Azzarello’s script Superman For Tomorrow featured the villain (despite the character appearing only in once in continuity were he killed off). The storyline that followed For Tomorrow killed off Zod, almost showing Kelly’s contempt for the pitch.

But what is For Tomorrow about? I can sum it up in one sentence. “Superman decides who lives and who dies”. Superman, who saves everyone and anyone at anytime. Superman, who believes anyone can be redeemed, apparently after arguing with a priest decides half the population doesn’t deserve saving. Zod then steals this list and teleports all the worthy to a dimension called “Heaven” except for Superman. Other than this list, Superman also interferes in military conflicts and disables only one side of the conflict, leaving them to be slaughtered. At no point does he do anything resembling Superman. However, the artwork by Jim Lee gets this one highly promoted by DC, despite it being better used as toilet paper.

The Curse of Superman

Writing about the weirdest Superman stories is like saying Beetlejuice three times; of course Grant Morrison is going to appear. No, this isn’t about how the role of Superman might be cursed but the storyline from Action Comics 9. The story on it’s release was heavily criticised for the Barack Obama Superman (but that’s awesome). Of course Black President Superman’s archenemy would be white supremacist Lex Luthor (or the current President). But that’s all window dressing. The main focus of the story is a meta-commentary of Superman himself. 

On a parallel Earth, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent create a fictional character with a dream machine based on an ideology so pure that it moves everyone to tears. Inspired by George Bernard Shaw and Nietzsche, they name the character Superman. Corporations deem the character unrelatable and insist that the character be changed to “Superdoom”. This monster now travels the universe trying to kill all Supermen.

The story is all about how 90’s Superman was awful and the wrongheaded ideas that ruined it. But New 52 Superman wouldn’t listen and ended up going down the same path as 90’s Superman.

Kryptonite, Magic and Rock ’N Roll

Silver-Age Superman gets a lot of slander from hipsters online. This is partially because having to write 8 Superman stories a month feels like DC just threw any idea out there and made it. But my favourite has to be from Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen 32, which reveals Superman’s lesser known vulnerability; Rock and Roll. Jimmy Olsen joins a band and, anytime he plays his guitar, Superman starts uncontrollably dancing.

Heroes Against Hunger

DC made a charity special teaming up Superman, Batman and Lex Luthor with profits going to charity. This is very good but could this comic have any consistency? A different creative team for each page causes a very disjointed story. In one page, Batman asks his old pal Superman to check on a plane crash with his X-Ray vision then, on the next, he’s telling Superman how much he hates him. 

The cause of famine in Africa apparently was caused by a giant green alien that feeds off of misery called “The Master”. I think it would’ve been a better idea for Warner Bros to just send African charities a big fat check.

Kryptonian Love lives

Whats the obsession with Superman’s genitals? Seriously, writers get obsessed. John Byrne proclaimed that Kryptonians reproduce asexually but then, in Action Comics 592 & 593, a Supervillain called Sleeze manipulated the 2 into making a sex tape. It’s almost as if he was proclaiming Superman might be asexual but his dick works.

Also, did you know Superman went out with a Mermaid in a wheelchair and never realised? Despite having X-Ray vision, he never once checked what was under the blanket. Quite sweet, really.

Al has nothing on his cousin when it comes to strange love interests. Comet the Super-horse isn’t Kryptonian but a cursed man who is in love with her and will revert back to being human on a full moon. “My pet has become human and is now trying to seduce me” is a unique problem for Supergirl. Supergirl’s other questionable love interest would be Brainiac 5 from the Legion of Superheroes. Brainiac 5 uses his technology to spy on her, including watching her while she sleeps. I guess he’s not so different from his ancestor who likes to look at cities in bottles. I just hope she ends up with a nice boy like Jimmy Olsen.

Here’s what you could’ve won

Did you know sometimes Warner Bros turns down bad ideas? I genuinely think Richard Donner might’ve been the last person to have a good pitch for a Superman movie. In 2001, Akiva Goldsman pitched a Batman vs Superman movie to star Colin Farrell and Jude Law (I think Jude Law would’ve made a good Man of Tomorrow). The film would be about Batman wanted to avenge the death of his wife (I guess Selina Kyle), a crime Lex Luthor framed Superman for, only for the 2 heroes realise who is actually responsible for this in act 3.

Jar Jar Abrams was competing with Zack Snyder for the Man of Steel movie and his pitch is notorious. It involved General Zod (again) and Lex Luthor as Kryptonians and Earth as a war-zone of giant robots. Superman also dies half way into the movie and gets half of his powers.

Superman Lives was to be directed by Tim Burton and was supposed to be a Dark fairytale version of Superman. Also, Lex Luthor and Brainiac become a giant spider.

George Miller pitched what if Superman turned evil and Zack Snyder copied his homework. Well, if the rumour is to be believed. The Snydercut of Justice League, which is about to be inflicted upon us after every Snyder fan promptly whinged themselves inside out, will have the revived Superman killing people for talking to Lois Lane, murdering her, becoming a servant of Darkseid and turning the earth into a wasteland. The Heroes can only stop Superman by sending the Flash back in time to give a message to Batman (explaining the dream sequence in BvS).

Outside of cinema, DC have turned down a bad Superman pitch. In 2001, Grant Morrison, Mark Waid and Mark Millar pitched a reboot of Superman. In this reboot, Lois Lane was to die from being pregnant with Superman’s baby and Lex Luthor was to become an art dealer. 

The Amazing Brainiac

Superman defeated Brainiac-13 by throwing his robotic nemesis into a sun. This vaporised Brainiac into dust. DC’s universe got rebooted and the dust started being in communication with a circus performer. The Brainiac dust increased his psychic powers, creating an all new form of Brainiac with psionic powers. 

After defeating this new form of Brainiac, his mind got implanted into Lex Luthor. However, I think the storyline got abandoned because the next appearance of Brainiac I know of has him trying to prove that the Death of Superman didn’t happen and it was all an holographic illusion. 

Superman True Brit

There is a lesser known Monty Python skit called Bicycle Repair Man, where a world of supermen is  left astounded as an ordinary Michael Palin fixes a bike. I bring this up because True Brit is cowritten by the Minister of Silly Walks himself, John Cleese. This else words comic shows what would happen if Superman was brought up in a Monty Python version of England. Everyone is obsessed with cricket, tea drinking and not making a fuss. There’s a whole lot about True Brit that defines comprehension, epitomised by this blogs proof reader seeing the alternate Superman’s Union Jack costume and his brain going ‘no’.