Conservative Comic book characters (who aren't white men)

You hear the term conservative and you think an old white guy. We all think it, it’s the default but the political spectrum is more diverse than that and so are people. So Comic book characters should be no exception  .  Let’s have a look at different Right Wing characters who aren’t white men.

Icon

Created by Dwayne McDuffie explicitly to be a conservative black hero. This character shines a spotlight on black political philosophies with his admiration Booker T. Washington and his philosophies of self reliance. This ideology also put him at odds with his sidekick, Rocket.  Icon is a card carrying republican, kind of imagine him as a kind of Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel Air mixed with Superman.

War Machine

Iron Man was created by Stan Lee to be the hero that left-leaning Marvel fans would hate. Well Jim Rhodes in ideology is even more Republican. Any soldier hero must either be critical of the military or conservative and Jim Rhodes is nothing if not a good soldier. He’s not the only Black military hero, because Green Lantern Jon Stewart is a good soldier but also questions the military. 

Other than his military connection there is something far worse and often overlooked about Jim Rhodes and that is that he’s racist. Now he’s not racist against any real world groups but Mutants, but Mutant hating is Right wing if you ask me.

George Washington-Bridge

Ok there are about 1000 characters created by Rob Liefeld who could fit this article. But I chose Washington-Bridge because he’s the only one I could remember the name of. Rob Liefeld specialised in creating teams of para-military task forces that added new members mostly men and not all white. Almost any character created by Liefeld on his own is interchangeable.

Black Manta and Erik Killmonger

I put these two villains together because they both have the same goal of creating an ethno-state. Whilst they’re both wanting reparations for slavery and wanting a land for their people, this doesn’t justify their wants. But of course these ideologies make them the bad guys while fighting for peace and diversity make Aquaman and Black Panther the heroes.

Martha Washington

You’d think Dave Gibbons would hate Ayn Rand having worked with Alan Moore on Watchmen. But I’m not sure Gibbons’ political beliefs are in any way similar to the anarchist writer who penned the book. Dave Gibbons’ follow-up to Watchmen was a collaboration with Frank Miller, and the book constantly quotes Ayn Rand. Martha becomes a strong independent character by rejecting everything about her identity. While it may seem progressive that Frank Miller wrote a black woman as the lead to a book , she only became strong in his eyes by thinking of herself as a white man. 

(More on Frank Miller and Ayn Rand in an upcoming blog keep an eye out).

Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers)

Possibly the most surprising to many but the only thing progressive about Carol is that she is a woman. It’s so progressive to have a female Air force colonel and she’s often used as a straw feminist. But you take that away she’s really a Karen. Now I’m not hating on the character, or her stories or the movie. Well maybe Civil War 2 where she becomes a totalitarian dictator probably helps my case.  

The Umbrella Academy and their mainstream counterparts (Teen Titans and the X-men)

 So it’s pretty obvious that the Umbrella Academy is a deconstruction of the teenage superhero team. One of the core ideas is that the kids from the team would grow up to be total misfits. The series itself does pay homage to storylines like Titans Hunt and the Dark Phoenix saga. “But who is each Umbrella academy’s Teen Titans or X-men counterpart?” asked nobody. Well, I’m here to answer that. Also, these are only guesses at best. I have no way to contact Gerard Way, Gabriel Ba or Steve Blackman.

Reginald Hargreeves is Professor X

Lets start off with the most obvious. He’s the leader of the group who doesn’t go into the field. He’s there to teach them how to use their powers. He does share some ideas with the Chief of the Doom Patrol and, with him being the abusive father figure, he has a touch of Deathstroke. But Deathstroke (or Slade to some of you) is The Teen Titan’s archenemy, not their team leader.

Luther is Cyclops

Sure, he may share some visual similarities to Beast or Colossus, but he is Cyclops. The handpicked leader of the team because he can’t think for himself. This was an issue Cyclops faced in the comics after the Phoenix saga and it’s Luther’s main struggle through the series. 

Klaus is Beast Boy

Not taken seriously by the rest of the team, fully of witty remarks and an obsession with fame. Sure, Klaus shares a lot with Gerard Way’s mentor Grant Morrison, who always seems to be 3 fanboys away from forming a cult. But Morrison is a real person, not a superhero. 

Alison is Psylocke

This one is probably my biggest stretch because the girl of the group is often involved in a love triangle. But Psylocke was a model, has some mind control and that’s enough for me. Ok, her powers are more similar to the Scarlet Witch or Raven but neither of them are as glamorous as the fashion model turned ninja assassin. 

Diego is Speedy

Diego sucks. I can’t avoid it, but he takes himself too seriously and has a massive hero complex. Speedy has similar problems, like how he can’t stand Beast Boy. Diego thinks he’s Wolverine, with his constant questioning of commands, but Speedy did this as well. Speedy, of course, tried to rebrand as Arsenal and we all laughed at his stupid hat and attempts to be cool.

Grace is Moira McTaggert

Obviously, really. Professor X’s non-powered love interest is the team’s surrogate robot-mother. Gen 13 had a robot maid called Anna but that’s a more obscure series than Teen Titans or the X-men so it’s not a common calling point.

Ben is Jericho

Ok, having an abusive father isn’t something special in this team. But, like Jericho, Ben can only communicate by possessing others bodies. 

Vanya is Jean Grey

The weakest member, patronised and abused by the team, that turns into the strongest. That is unless you forgot that Jean Grey turned evil and ate a sun in their most famous storyline after being abused by the Hellfire club. 

Five is Wolverine

The team’s grumpy man of mystery, for fuck’s sake neither of them have a first name. They’re both “the best at what they do and what they do isn’t very nice”. Both are the most competent members of the team and have a history of being used as a secret weapon by a shady hidden cabal. 

Also, how funny is it that the coolest character has been devolved into a 12 year old kid. 

Why do we only have one Silver Surfer series?

Recently I got access to Disney+, and when opening the streaming service found a pleasant surprise. The Silver Surfer animated series, the short-lived gem that did everything right and I wish more than any other series got its second season. Many clamour for a 2nd season of Firefly still in hopes that it will happen and Disney announced that the X-men animated series that ran from 1992-1998 will get a continuation on Disney+ despite it getting an actual finale which the Silver Surfer did not. But who is the Silver Surfer and why has he only ever got the one show?

The Silver Surfer’s history isn’t as long as The Fantastic Four or Spider-man or The Hulk. In fact it’s relatively short with few publications for a character who has been around since the 1960’s. But the Silver Surfer is a well known character, you hear him referenced in things like the Big Bang Theory. He is popular, so his reason for a lack of publications is not a lack of popularity like Jack of Hearts. The reason for his lack of publications was Stan Lee. The Silver Surfer first appeared in Fantastic Four 48 and he’s even introduced as “a character that Jack calls the Silver Surfer” (Jack Kirby being the artist and principal writer of the F4. At this phase Stan only did the final script). Despite this somewhat dismissive introduction by Stan, he grew to love the character, so much so that nobody else was allowed to write him. The other theory is that he felt guilty because this was around the end of his working relationship with Kirby that he wanted to do right by his former friend. While Galactus and the Silver Surfer where among the last characters Lee and Kirby co-created he’s not the last. Black Panther was introduced 2 issues after the conclusion of the Galactus trilogy. 

The Silver Surfer made very few appearances after a stint as a supporting character in the Fantastic Four. The most notable part he played was having his powers stolen by Doctor Doom. Without Jack Kirby Stan Lee wrote a one shot with European comics legend Moebius, a one off Graphic novel and an ongoing series with John Buscema. Despite handpicking Buscema to be Kirby’s replacement, Stan hated the end results of the ongoing series. Stan later mellowed on the series with Buscema telling the artist that he really liked the Thor and Loki crossover issue. Buscema then pointed out “that’s not what you said when the book was first released”.

The Surfer also joined the Defenders (briefly) but was removed on the insistence of Stan Lee. Even though the series was written by Stan’s protege Roy Thomas. Silver Surfer got an ongoing series after Stan Lee retired from Marvel comics in the 90’s (Stan would still work as a producer on non-comics projects).

The Silver Surfer is an unusual character in the genre of Superhero comics. Similar to Superman he is extremely powerful but doesn’t use his powers for gain. But Superman is a more active character, Superman will actively seek to stop evil, while the Surfer is a true pacifist. Also while Superman is a Man (when written well) the Silver Surfer is a demigod. Superman is super-strong, fast, able to fly and shoots lasers from his eyes. The Silver Surfer has the power cosmic “a power too vast, too universal, if misused it could destroy a galaxy” or “the power of creation itself”. 

The ideas and philosophies of the character are too difficult for your conventional boys adventure story. The Silver Surfer is more like a space Ghandi than a warrior. The Silver Surfer avoids conflict at all costs and even lets himself being enslaved. A notable example would be Planet Hulk where Silver Surfer takes a beating from The Hulk rather than fight back, because he could take the abuse. But is it truly enslavement if you can escape at any time like the Surfer does and transmutes the other slaves’ chains to dust allowing them all to revolt against their captors.

The Silver Surfer is more like Stan Lee’s self-published character. It’s normal in mainstream comics for a character to be created and then completely destroyed by subsequent writers. But Stan tried to keep the character consistent and was very protective of this intellectual property. Which makes the decision to let the character leap to TV worse. While the Silver Surfer cartoon is amazing and 100% looks like a Jack Kirby comic now animated. The next featuring role of the Silver Surfer pains me. 

The decision to add the character to The Marvel Superhero Squad, a pre-school show featuring the Marvel heroes, is baffling. Well until you realise the Mayor of the town is played by Stan Lee. Did the Surfer retain his personality? nope. In fact the only one who did was Captain America. The Hulk became the Cookie Monster, Wolverine became an easy-going happy go-lucky character and the Silver Surfer became Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

So what does the future hold for Norrin Radd? well Terry Crewes is campaigning to play the character. I’ll be very impressed if he can play the role, as it seems so out of his comfort zone. But what I really want is either a continuation of the series from the 90’s or the next film to be animated. So they can fully explore the parts of cosmic Marvel that were too out there for the movie where a tree and a raccoon with a machine gun save the universe. Terry could even do the voice as long as it’s a more subdued performance than his Old Spice commercials.

Yes Joel Schumacher made Batman gay! (Why is that a bad thing?)

I don’t mean Gay as in how a 12 year old would use it. I mean actually homosexual, Joel Schumacher’s Batman is a Gay man. This has often been used as a criticism but, those takes lack nuance and call the recently departed director a bad director. He’s won a few Razzies but some of that comes off as political. Joel Schumacher was one of the first openly gay directors to be given a major franchise. The struggles he may have faced during his life informed his films and that subtext should be looked at with open minds. 

Joel Schumacher started making movies before he came out as gay, and some of them are now fascinating with hindsight. His first theatrically released is DC Cab (also known as Street Fleet) starring Mr T. A film about male cabbies and their friendship as co-workers. Now it’s mostly an unremarkable Police Academy copy but with the knowledge the Schumacher wrote and directed it one scene leaps out. The boys (except Mr T) are hanging out in a red light district and complain at women for going into a bar with the Chippendales. Then to convince the women to stay outside they “put on the show for free”. Joel Schumacher had 4 men (one of whom is a young Stephen Baldwin or Jayne from Firefly) dancing shirtless with lots of gyration on top of their Taxi cabs. 

Schumacher’s second and third films I shall refer to as the Sexy Sax films (as they both feature men playing Saxophones). Rob Lowe’s characters story in St Elmo’s fire goes nowhere but he does play the sax; and Lost Boys has a cameo from Timmy Cappello (Tina Turner’s Saxophone player who is also known for not wearing a shirt). Schumacher’s influence on Lost Boys was to have a new writer in Jeffrey Boam added to project for rewrites to make it “sexier”. But St Elmo’s Fire (the earlier of the two films) was said by Schumacher himself to be “Semi-Autobiographical” and the main plot is a love triangle. A love Triangle where one of the boys in it is mistaken for gay by the girl. 

But you didn’t click on this blog for his earlier movies, it’s time to talk about the “Bat-nipples”. Tim Burton in 1989 made the first modern Batman movie, deliberately steering away from the Adam West series and making something more gothic. He made a sequel called Batman Returns and was dropped as director for the third because McDonalds refused to do a tie-in promotion. Schumacher was brought on to replace Burton as director and the whole movie was reworked and mostly recast. Burton was to have Michael Keaton return as Batman/Bruce Wayne, Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent/Two Face and introduce Will Wheaton as Robin/Dick Grayson and Robin Williams as The Riddler. William’s version of the Riddler was to take on characteristics of the Superman villain the Toyman and Green Arrow’s Foe the Clock King. As a kindly old man diagnosed with a terminal disease with a love of games and puzzles who just wants to share his love with the rest of Gotham but Harvey Dent keeps tampering with them. This story was scrapped and Burton went on to try and make a Superman movie for Warner Bros that only resulted in a life long enemy of Kevin Smith.

Joel Schumacher took over with his cast Val Kilmer as Batman, Chris O’Donnell as Robin, Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face and Jim Carey as The Riddler. Now Batman Forever is awful, the only thing that got me through a re-watch of it was thinking about the subtext. Think about it, what is the Riddlers great evil scheme, to expose Batman (well something to do with putting blenders on TV’s). But he wants to reveal to the world that Bruce Wayne is Batman a secret that would destroy his life. Like how coming out might’ve affected Joel’s career as Hollywood is not as progressive as conservative media will claim. How does Batman overcome this conflict? by sharing his secret with his close male friend. Surprisingly Two-Face a conflicted man who is half pink doesn’t fit into this narrative very well.

Batman Forever was a massive success and even had a scene in the film that effortlessly advertised fast food. So Warner Bros commissioned another Batman, this time Batman & Robin. 

Batman & Robin despite its reputation is so much better than Batman Forever. I think why it’s hated so much is that it’s not the Batman people wanted. Batman is thought of as the pinnacle of manliness like Clint Eastwood or James Bond or John Wayne. But as anyone who has seen Midnight Cowboy will tell you “John Wayne was a fag” (their words not mine). The corruption of Batman’s hetero-normality challenges men and makes them second guess their own sexuality. They want to be Batman but they don’t want to bum Robin. Midnight Cowboy did something similar by having John Voight wander around in a cowboy outfit thinking he was so butch and cool. But New Yorkers didn’t have the same view of cowboys as he did, (which is where the John Wayne line comes into the film). 

The idea of a non-heterosexual Batman was not invented by Joel Schumacher. Frederick Wertham in his book the corruption of the innocent actually called Batman and Robin a “Homosexual fantasy”. In response to this accusation most Batman media has run away from this idea. Batman 66 despite how its misremembered is definitely not a gay Batman. It’s campy fun, but camp is not gay. The Adam West Batman is a swinger, he may not drink or smoke but he womanises. He flirts with all the women but due to broadcast rules they never put him in a situation where he’d need to use the Bat-condoms. 

Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin is not inspired by 66 (despite claims made by the Nostalgia Critic) but they share an influence. They’re both influenced by the Dick Sprang era of the comics. Batman 66 is knowingly a parody of Superhero comics but Batman and Robin thinks its cool. Dick Sprang’s lasting impact on Batman is the rogue’s gallery. Before him all Batman villains were mostly one and done, but he made them even more cartoony and obsessed with gimmicks. His most notable creation was The Riddler but he reintroduced ones from earlier. The Architecture of Sprang’s Gotham is elaborate, and Schumacher took note. In Sprang’s Batman comics every factory has a giant version of what it makes on the roof (and usually fully functioning) encounters with villains happen in museums with Batman and Robin using the exhibits in the fight (so the opening of the film). Whilst Batman 66 is a normal city with lots of abandoned warehouses that are slowly sinking on one side. 

I wish it were clever of me to point out the Poison Ivy is a Honeypot trap but she actually says that. But thats what she is, Bane is the idea of what a man should be, strong and unfeeling and Mr Freeze is the cruel unfeeling world. Poison Ivy wants to break them up and prove they’re not as united as they thought even claiming that it’s unnatural. The Villains of the Schumacher films are homophobes. 

And as a closing remark, why are more fans willing to accept Frank Miller’s Batman that espouses fascist ideology than a gay Batman? Think about it and if you use gay as an insult grow the fuck up.

The Author fan relationship needs to change!

Comic book writers have this power over fans. Fans often want to write the adventures of their favourite heroes, I myself have planned out runs with various storylines for The Fantastic Four, Dr Strange, Superman, Wonder Woman, The X-men, The Justice League and more. Just sat there imagining new obstacles and great moments of triumph for Superheroes. But the only ways into the industry as a writer is knowing another writers and Editors or having writing success elsewhere. The second wave of Marvel writers were the fanboys who hung out in the lobby.

Because of this writers have the ability to exploit fans, this was also prevalent with rock stars in the 60’s and 70’s. But the Rock groupies only wanted a song or a story to tell their friends about Ringo Starr’s penis. The groomed aspiring comic’s writer wants more and has this assumed level of friendship. The writer is making the girl think it’s her ideas and writing skill he’s interested in not her ass. This is a form of deception, even if it does happen to older women who should know better.

Kelly Sue Decconick has offered a solution which is to make Comic book writers more anonymous, like we’re reading Superman not Grant Morrison’s Superman. Now to comic book fans writers are a big deal, they have the power to lift a series to new heights or have it plummet to it’s lowest ever. To the younger or more casual fan Spider-man is Spider-man even if it’s not being written by Stan Lee. But why do we even know who they are, a screen-writer for TV isn’t necessarily known, with some exceptions the head writer of Doctor Who is generally known by the more engaged parts of the fanbase, but not the rest which caused fans to blame Stephen Moffett for the Kill The Moon episode that he didn’t write (Peter Harness wrote it). But there is one big difference between Comics and television, and thats the audience buys it every time. A bad episode of a TV show comes on and your wallet isn’t lighter, you’ve just wasted an hour of your life on Netflix which could’ve been better spent. But a Trade Paperback you buy a new volume of Batman and read it, but how do you know this is the Batman for you? Batman varies wildly, superheroes aren’t that consistent, Captain America’s politics vary from run to run. Do I want Leftist Captain America who punches Nazi’s or do I want one who says “that protesting the Nazi’s is as bad as Nazi’s” (yes that is a real moment).

Comics like Novels are sold by Authors, these Authors become brands, and some Authors don’t actually write their own books like James Patterson (well there is a lot of contradictory evidence of this). But Superhero comic’s weren’t original sold by the writers, the first writer to be a selling point is probably the most famous Stan Lee. Marvel was sold as all being the brain-child of Stan and the universe was all connected so The Fantastic Four could meet the Hulk. This was actually a lie, Marvel’s style of editing was that the artist would come up with an idea and draw it then the writer would put what they thought were the appropriate words in the panels. Stan did some of this, but so did his brother Larry who had the pen name Stan Lee. Larry has since been given retroactive credit for his work on The Mighty Thor but it’s still to us outsider’s if Stan wrote everything and in his own words “[Stan] would steal any credit that wasn’t nailed down”. Because marvel had a standard writer, artists didn’t have to copy each other, at DC Bob Kane made every artist emulate his art style until his departure. Bob would also trace other artists panels when he did do artwork on Batman and with them being in his style nobody could tell (unless they went back into the back issues and checked if that panel was the same). But after artist got the green light to be themselves, writers started getting credit.

And this is the problem, writers deserve credit for what they write. But nobody should laud their power over others or try and use their position to create a quid-pro-quo arrangement with fans with ambitions. So how do you solve it?   

WTF Superman

Superman comics have been in print since 1938 and, with expectations of monthly stories, some are going to be thought of last minute. This being the case, not every Superman story is going to be a classic. Not every villain is going to maintain popularity and the ideas that the writers come up with are sometimes just bizarre. So bizarre that they even make Bizarro scratch his head. If I couldn’t convince you to read some Superman comics from the best list, maybe I can convince you to do so with the weirdest. Heads up though, the weird sometimes cross over with the worst.

Superman’s inner conflict

Superman has sometimes been his own greatest enemy. In the Silver Age, Superman once gained the superpower to blast a miniature version of himself out of his hand to do the Superman thing of saving everyone. This new useful super power was short-lived because Superman got jealous of all the attention that mini-Superman got. You’d think this would be the only time that Superman would be in literal conflict with himself but you’d be wrong.

During Marv Wolfman’s tenure on Adventures of Superman, a new character was introduced the Gangbuster. Wolfman created Gangbuster as a criticism of the new anti-heroes (Frank Miller’s Daredevil in particular). However, his abrupt departure lift this character and plot-thread dangling. Realising that these 2 characters had never met, an idea was formed by the new creative team that they must be the same person. Whenever Superman went to sleep, he would become the Gangbuster. The reason given for this was that Superman wasn’t happy with the results he was getting. He wanted to punish criminals more. The revelation that he was in fact the unhinged vigilante caused Superman to go into exile for a day.

This concept couldn’t be left alone forever. DC’s creative teams were in conflict over how to present Superman, with Dan Jurgen’s wanting him to just punch things and Karl Kessel wanting a more intelligent and thoughtful Man of Steel. Inspired by an imaginary tale from the 60’s, Superman splits into 2 Supermen and fixes all the world’s problems (one marrying Lois Lane and the other Lana Lang). DC figured this would be a way to please everyone. It did not. Despite this storyline being universally hated on release and still being reviled today, DC are releasing Red and Blue Superman graphic novel collections and toys of both Fire Superman and Electric Superman. 

The Justice League would be nothing without him

I’m not making the old joke that he doesn’t need the rest of Justice League because he’s so powerful. Nope. Back in Smallville, he single-handedly made the members of the Justice League who they are. In Adventure Comics 258, Superboy teaches Oliver Queen archery and gives him a robin hood costume. In New Adventures of Superboy 13, he meets a young Hal Jordan and convinces him to give up his delinquency. Some of Superboy’s early meetings with Justice leaguers were less formative, like Aquaman, but then there’s Batman. Bruce Wayne once met Clark Kent before the murder of his parents and the story ends with Superboy showing him his time sphere and all the future adventures they’ll have as Superman and Batman. Makes you wonder if he now antagonised Joe Chill.

Thankfully, for all our sanity, these stories are considered non-canon.

The Squiffles

The Squiffles are extra dimensional beings that only Adolf Hitler and Superman can see. Originally appearing in Superman 22 during the war, they’re almost a prototype for 5th Dimension imps. The Squiffles have been at war with the Gremlins for generations. The Squiffles join forces with the Axis, whilst the Gremlins joined with the Allies, and its all very strange.

Time Travel

Time Travel is a big part of Superhero comics. The ending of the original Superman movie has our hero fly around the earth in reverse rotation to save Lois Lane. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. Brainiac 5 created a time bubble so that Superboy could join his superteam in the 31st Century. But Brainiac 5’s messing with time travel has nothing on the rest of the cast Superman comics. Superboy once travelled back in time to try and prevent the assignation of Abraham Lincoln, only to find Lex Luthor in that same part of time. Luthor then hypnotises the young Superman, which prevents him from saving the 16th President of the United states.

Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane 59, has the plucky young reporter travelling back and romancing Jor-El. Yes, and she’s aware of whats she’s doing. When leaving this doomed time, she travels to see a young Kal-El playing in his garden and kisses him because the grown up Superman wouldn’t let her do this. I think Lois might need therapy.

A young Jor-El also travels to earth to meet Superboy in Superboy 121. The story even includes exposing Jor-El to Red Kryptonite so that he’ll age up so Superboy can spend some real quality time with his father.

Superman has had to use time travel to defeat his arch enemy Titano. Superman is so strong he can literally punch you into next week and that’s holding back. Titano got thrown back to prehistoric times where he lived peacefully. That is until Superman was having a clear out of the Fortress of Solitude and he found a massive TV-like device. Not knowing what this device was, he turned it on and left it on because it had Dinosaurs on it. He then realised that this was a time travel device when he saw Titano. The giant ape then went to rampage through Metropolis and Superman has great difficulty defeating the giant ape that shoots kryptonite rays from his eyes because, in his own words, “He can’t use his robot duplicate because his apartment is being painted”. 

Kristin Wells might be the most responsible time-traveller other than Brainiac 5. Kristin Wells is a future historian for Superheroes who travels back in time to find out the secret identity of the Superwoman. Realising that all of her powers could be copied by 31st Century technology and that Superwoman hasn’t shown up, it must be her. She also turns down the advances of Jimmy Olsen, who is her Great-Great-Great Grandfather (Jimmy doesn’t know this, he’s just seen a hot redhead).

“Seminal” writers creating trash

Did you know Chris Claremont wrote a Superman comic? The writer best known for reinventing the X-men wrote a Superman comic. Before this story, Claremont had, throughout his career, seemed determined to write the Man of Steel, creating homages like Gladis the Gladiator in X-men and Majestic in Jim Lee’s Wildcats. You’d think the guy who wrote strong female characters in X-men and made Superman homages would’ve done a good job with Superman and Wonder Woman For Who God’s Destroy. Superman in a world where the Nazi’s won WW2 sounds like a good read but it’s bad.

This is actually like the recent DC films in comic form. Superman is a jerk who actually tells Lois Lane that “He wishes her and Lana were dead” because then he can sunbathe on the moon. Also, Diana Prince is the Queen of Nazi’s and Superman becomes a Centaur and tries to eat Lana Lang. Words can’t convey how badly it does Superman but it’s not the worst.

The worst Superman stories belong to Frank Miller and his tribute band Brian Azzarello. I’ve already written about Superman Year One. I don’t think I need to write about the duo’s Batman: The Master Race and it’s plot about Superman and Wonder Woman creating a false messiah. 

Azzarello, for some reason, has been allowed to write about Superman multiple times. The best evidence that he doesn’t know about Superman comics would be Luthor. A story from the villains perspective with Winslow Scott, a villain known for his hatred of technology, being an elite hacker.

Joe Kelly was forced to write a storyline that introduced a new General Zod because Azzarello’s script Superman For Tomorrow featured the villain (despite the character appearing only in once in continuity were he killed off). The storyline that followed For Tomorrow killed off Zod, almost showing Kelly’s contempt for the pitch.

But what is For Tomorrow about? I can sum it up in one sentence. “Superman decides who lives and who dies”. Superman, who saves everyone and anyone at anytime. Superman, who believes anyone can be redeemed, apparently after arguing with a priest decides half the population doesn’t deserve saving. Zod then steals this list and teleports all the worthy to a dimension called “Heaven” except for Superman. Other than this list, Superman also interferes in military conflicts and disables only one side of the conflict, leaving them to be slaughtered. At no point does he do anything resembling Superman. However, the artwork by Jim Lee gets this one highly promoted by DC, despite it being better used as toilet paper.

The Curse of Superman

Writing about the weirdest Superman stories is like saying Beetlejuice three times; of course Grant Morrison is going to appear. No, this isn’t about how the role of Superman might be cursed but the storyline from Action Comics 9. The story on it’s release was heavily criticised for the Barack Obama Superman (but that’s awesome). Of course Black President Superman’s archenemy would be white supremacist Lex Luthor (or the current President). But that’s all window dressing. The main focus of the story is a meta-commentary of Superman himself. 

On a parallel Earth, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Clark Kent create a fictional character with a dream machine based on an ideology so pure that it moves everyone to tears. Inspired by George Bernard Shaw and Nietzsche, they name the character Superman. Corporations deem the character unrelatable and insist that the character be changed to “Superdoom”. This monster now travels the universe trying to kill all Supermen.

The story is all about how 90’s Superman was awful and the wrongheaded ideas that ruined it. But New 52 Superman wouldn’t listen and ended up going down the same path as 90’s Superman.

Kryptonite, Magic and Rock ’N Roll

Silver-Age Superman gets a lot of slander from hipsters online. This is partially because having to write 8 Superman stories a month feels like DC just threw any idea out there and made it. But my favourite has to be from Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen 32, which reveals Superman’s lesser known vulnerability; Rock and Roll. Jimmy Olsen joins a band and, anytime he plays his guitar, Superman starts uncontrollably dancing.

Heroes Against Hunger

DC made a charity special teaming up Superman, Batman and Lex Luthor with profits going to charity. This is very good but could this comic have any consistency? A different creative team for each page causes a very disjointed story. In one page, Batman asks his old pal Superman to check on a plane crash with his X-Ray vision then, on the next, he’s telling Superman how much he hates him. 

The cause of famine in Africa apparently was caused by a giant green alien that feeds off of misery called “The Master”. I think it would’ve been a better idea for Warner Bros to just send African charities a big fat check.

Kryptonian Love lives

Whats the obsession with Superman’s genitals? Seriously, writers get obsessed. John Byrne proclaimed that Kryptonians reproduce asexually but then, in Action Comics 592 & 593, a Supervillain called Sleeze manipulated the 2 into making a sex tape. It’s almost as if he was proclaiming Superman might be asexual but his dick works.

Also, did you know Superman went out with a Mermaid in a wheelchair and never realised? Despite having X-Ray vision, he never once checked what was under the blanket. Quite sweet, really.

Al has nothing on his cousin when it comes to strange love interests. Comet the Super-horse isn’t Kryptonian but a cursed man who is in love with her and will revert back to being human on a full moon. “My pet has become human and is now trying to seduce me” is a unique problem for Supergirl. Supergirl’s other questionable love interest would be Brainiac 5 from the Legion of Superheroes. Brainiac 5 uses his technology to spy on her, including watching her while she sleeps. I guess he’s not so different from his ancestor who likes to look at cities in bottles. I just hope she ends up with a nice boy like Jimmy Olsen.

Here’s what you could’ve won

Did you know sometimes Warner Bros turns down bad ideas? I genuinely think Richard Donner might’ve been the last person to have a good pitch for a Superman movie. In 2001, Akiva Goldsman pitched a Batman vs Superman movie to star Colin Farrell and Jude Law (I think Jude Law would’ve made a good Man of Tomorrow). The film would be about Batman wanted to avenge the death of his wife (I guess Selina Kyle), a crime Lex Luthor framed Superman for, only for the 2 heroes realise who is actually responsible for this in act 3.

Jar Jar Abrams was competing with Zack Snyder for the Man of Steel movie and his pitch is notorious. It involved General Zod (again) and Lex Luthor as Kryptonians and Earth as a war-zone of giant robots. Superman also dies half way into the movie and gets half of his powers.

Superman Lives was to be directed by Tim Burton and was supposed to be a Dark fairytale version of Superman. Also, Lex Luthor and Brainiac become a giant spider.

George Miller pitched what if Superman turned evil and Zack Snyder copied his homework. Well, if the rumour is to be believed. The Snydercut of Justice League, which is about to be inflicted upon us after every Snyder fan promptly whinged themselves inside out, will have the revived Superman killing people for talking to Lois Lane, murdering her, becoming a servant of Darkseid and turning the earth into a wasteland. The Heroes can only stop Superman by sending the Flash back in time to give a message to Batman (explaining the dream sequence in BvS).

Outside of cinema, DC have turned down a bad Superman pitch. In 2001, Grant Morrison, Mark Waid and Mark Millar pitched a reboot of Superman. In this reboot, Lois Lane was to die from being pregnant with Superman’s baby and Lex Luthor was to become an art dealer. 

The Amazing Brainiac

Superman defeated Brainiac-13 by throwing his robotic nemesis into a sun. This vaporised Brainiac into dust. DC’s universe got rebooted and the dust started being in communication with a circus performer. The Brainiac dust increased his psychic powers, creating an all new form of Brainiac with psionic powers. 

After defeating this new form of Brainiac, his mind got implanted into Lex Luthor. However, I think the storyline got abandoned because the next appearance of Brainiac I know of has him trying to prove that the Death of Superman didn’t happen and it was all an holographic illusion. 

Superman True Brit

There is a lesser known Monty Python skit called Bicycle Repair Man, where a world of supermen is  left astounded as an ordinary Michael Palin fixes a bike. I bring this up because True Brit is cowritten by the Minister of Silly Walks himself, John Cleese. This else words comic shows what would happen if Superman was brought up in a Monty Python version of England. Everyone is obsessed with cricket, tea drinking and not making a fuss. There’s a whole lot about True Brit that defines comprehension, epitomised by this blogs proof reader seeing the alternate Superman’s Union Jack costume and his brain going ‘no’.